Thursday, April 28, 2011

T3- 4/28

I'm running out of exciting names for the T3 posts, so I'm just going to use dates from now on. What do you want from me? I just posted a T3 a few days ago, so this post is going to be a test of my bitching abilities...I don't know if I can top the back fat poem though. I'll try...

1.) Skinny tank tops- The spanx for your upper body!! This shit is false advertisement. Let's view this from the gentleman's side of things: you're hanging out at the bar and you see a decent looking female from across the way...make your move, man. Score #1: she's drunk. Score #2: she's easy. Score #3: she's coming home with you. You two are macking face on your hand-me-down loveseat and you go to cop a feel...hmmm, interestingly rock-hard abs! Score #4 for you, right? Nope. You take her tank top off and you're sorely disappointed: this woman has a beer gut. You're a shallow piece of crap for caring so much, but she's a deceitful bitch for hiding behind a tank-top because she's too lazy to do a few crunches. Ladies, these tank tops are not going to make you skinny...exercising and laying off of the malt liquor will make you skinny.

2.) Locker room nudists- Confidence is a wonderful thing; lack of discretion is a terrible thing. When these two collide in a locker room, the result is obnoxious and unpleasant. I'm not necessarily shy in the locker room: I change my clothes, I don't care who sees my body, and I move on with my gym experience. I do not, however, mosey around the room in the buff, slather lotion on my entire, naked body, or preform post-workout stretches while I'm changing. I can even handle these things most days, but when I see buttholes, I tend to get frustrated; I am NEVER prepared to see a woman's butthole on a daily basis.

3.) Captain Crunch- I just can't stay away from you and your crunch berries! You irresistible hunk of man, you!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

T3- Action Packed!

Hello readers :) I would ordinarily apologize for being a worthless terd of a blogger, but we all know that make-up posts are just as good ;) That's what she said. It's been a good minute since I've posted, so I've definitely made a few T3-worthy observations. Here's what's pissing me off this week:

1.) 4/20 Haters- You go out on Friday nights and you drink and drive; in fact, society hears about a drinking and driving accident at least once a week. Uhm enough said? Yes, but I'll continue. You drink and you become hateful and you make ridiculous decisions (i.e. throwing furniture, imitating a free-range chicken, sleeping with a mustached woman, or operating a vehicle). And you're going to hate on the stoners?  Hypocrite, much?

*Note: exclusions from this generalization are the following: responsible drinkers (high five), irresponsible stoners (The Beatles suck!!)*

2.) Running- As much as I try, I just cannot seem to fall in love with running. I do understand why people love it; running is to runners as cycling is to me :) Except for the fact that running is terrible. Just when I get to that point during a run when I think to myself, "Hey there, Shelby, this isn't so bad", I throw up and change my mind. I find it absolutely impossible to develop a solid rhythm and I basically end up huffing and puffing or holding my breath until I pass out. Add in some D-cup boobies and it's simply torture. Ever notice that most women that claim to love running have small cha-chas? It's because they aren't getting punched in the face by a 5-pound boob everytime they stride. Give me some duct tape and an oxygen machine and I'll reconsider my hatred for the "sport".

3.) Back fat- I wrote this poem about back fat...

Below my bra strap, you reside;
Squishy, fatty, jiggly, and wide.
You eat my t-shirt while I jog;
All of the attention you must hog. 
Back extensions, rowing machines, cardio galore;
I fucking hate you back fat, THIS MEANS WAR!

Hope you guys enjoyed the makeup sex post :)

Monday, April 4, 2011

Fitness Friday- Circuit of Death

Happy Monday, friends :) My sincerest apologies that I am posting my Fitness Friday post on this here lovely Monday, but I actually did eventful things this weekend for the first time in quite a while! Today, I'd like to share one of my favorite workouts, which I generally refer to as the Circuit of Death :)

This workout combines strength training with cardiovascular exercise in an interval/circuit setup, in layman's terms: this is worth the effort. This workout works best with 3+ gym buddies, but it can absolutely be done alone if your workout pals are chickens. For this example, I will be giving the steps/supplies as if there are 3 people doing the workout, but it can be easily adjusted for when everyone sees your great results and wants to start working out with you :)

  • 12 notecards (may vary depending on # of participants)
  • Large workout area (room for flailing and frolicking)
What to do:
  1. Write one workout on each notecard (i.e. pushups, squats, etc.) 
  2. Lay notecards in large circle.
  3. While gym buddy #1 is jogging/skipping around exercise area, buddy #2 and #3 will be doing the exercises to the jogger's right.
  4. When buddy #1 has completed the cardio card, everyone will rotate to the right.
  5. Complete one full rotation, rest for 1 minute, and repeat circuit AT LEAST 3 times.
Basically, however long the jogger is jogging, that is how long the other participants will be doing the exercises on the card in front of them. The distance for the cardio cards is absolutely up to the participants (it can be 2 laps around the exercise area, one mile, etc.), but the longer the cardio distance, the harder the circuit gets. Here is a drawing of my usual circuit:

This workout has endless possibilities and offers great results,'re welcome :)