Thursday, August 26, 2010


When it doesn’t matter what day of the week it is, it is very difficult to keep track considering that I simply do not care whether it is Thursday, Monday, or Saturday; therefore, Three Thing Thursdays have pretty much fallen off the map. I am here to make up for my absence though! Nothing is really pissing me off anymore because I don’t have to waste 45+ hours a week in a place I dislike, but I am most determined to dig a few things out of the old info-dome. Annnd go:

1. Women With Mustaches- I inherited my facial hair from my father. Why lie about it? If I do not stay on top of it, I will end up with a full-blown mustache, but Jesus invented wax strips and tweezers for a reason and I’ll be damned if I go two weeks without fixing my unfortunate issue. Sure, waxing and tweezing can be painful, laser-treatment is expensive, and bleaching is bad for the environment or something, but nothing is worse than a woman with a mustache. Do you know how uncomfortable it is to have a conversation with bearded-females? Let me tell you something: it is physically impossible to make eye-contact with a she-beast…the mustache/side-burn combination definitely steals the attention. Females of the world, I beg you to manage your facial hair…for the sake of everyone around you, especially the man that has to wake up to that every morning.

2. Mold- I wish you were never invented.; you stink and I’m afraid to touch you. I think you’re really just an impatient jerk, actually…just because sometimes I forget to transition my laundry from the washer to the dryer, I forget to do dishes for two weeks, or I spill Febreeze on the floorboard of my car and leave it there, you think it’s okay to waltz on in and stink up the place? And the fact that you’re pretentious enough to creep on into my refrigerator and attack my three-week old lasagna really says something, too. You’re just a furry, smelly bastard.

3. Ring-Back Tones- Not only are they annoying, but these make me look like a moron. Just because you think that your new favorite song is the best and you need to share it with anyone that calls you is not an excuse for this kind of behavior. I just want to call you and figure out what kind time we’re going to the strip club later, but as soon as I hit ’call’, my entire evening has been ruined before I even know it. First I encounter shock as to why there is no ringing and then I enter a state of subconscious belt-it-out karaoke-style singing and then you answer the phone and I have to make a shitty attempt at covering up what was obviously occurring. Now I feel like an idiot and I’m going to hate you for the rest of my life just because you wanted to share your love of Journey with all of the people that call you for drugs. I hope my singing haunts you in your sleep, asshole.

Oooh oooh! Guess who starts school tonight! Shelby does! I’m really excited and nervous at the same time. I have my Space Maker and a Trapper Keeper all ready to go in my back pack by the front door! YAY! I’m going to take first day of school pictures, too. Hahaha!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Opinion: Unemployment

One would assume that without a job, I could devote more time to my blog, but that is obviously a fictitious assumption. I’ve been really busy. Okay, in actuality, I’ve just been sleeping a lot, spending tons of time with my wonderful boyfriend, perfecting my already perfect Free Cell strategies, and making/selling hula hoops. With that said, I have two things to announce: 1) I am happier than I’ve ever been; 2) Getting laid off is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

For the past year and a half, I woke up with a strange feeling in my stomach and an impeding reminder in my mind that I would be going to work soon. I did not necessarily dislike my job; in fact, at one point I absolutely loved what I did for a living, but the basic truth is that it simply was not the right fit for me and the scary truth is that I overlooked that for monetary reasons. 45 hours a week, I sat in a chair that I did not belong in, impatiently watching the clock and counting down until I could leave. Weekends were failed attempts at escaping my occupation for two days: I dreaded Monday morning when I would have to return to work and could never actually enjoy my time off. For 15 months, I watched my peers enjoy their youth, I watched my stress-levels sky-rocket, I watched my mind progress to that of a 35-year old, and I lost sight of what matters most to me in my life: following my heart and doing what makes me happy.

The day I got laid off, I endured emotions ranging from confusion to anger to happiness- the truth is that I really wasn’t shocked about the company’s decision. I had anticipated this coming for a few months and I was almost relieved when it all was over. Initially, I was so worried about finances and my quality life that I didn’t notice the shift in my mind, body, and surroundings, but once I figured about my bank account realized that I don’t give a shit about money, I was overwhelmed with the way I felt. For the first time for as long as I can remember, I stopped worrying about my job…in fact, I stopped worrying about everything. I remember the day after I lost my job: I woke up around 9 o’clock, got ready for the day, and called boyfriend just to tell him that I was wearing jeans and flip-flops on a Tuesday for the first time in over a year.

For the past two weeks, I’ve slept, spent tons of quality time with people that I love, practiced yoga, gone grocery shopping, played video games, watched movies, sold hula-hoops, worn ripped jeans, and absolutely 100% enjoyed this time without a single concern.

I vow to myself that I will never again spend 33% of my life doing something that makes me so unhappy.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Junk-Food Goddess

For the first time since I turned fifteen-years old, I am officially unemployed.
I don’t really know what this means, so I’ve broken it down a bit:

I no longer have a job.
I don’t need to wake up before seven o‘clock (or noon for that matter).
I don’t have to act like I am 35-years old.
Business/casual dress is OUT of my life.
I have eaten Ramen noodles twice in the last 24-hour period.
I do not have access to Adobe Illustrator (sad!).
I get to spend more time with the people I love.
I am going to be making serious budget adjustments.
I’ve reconsidered my lack of television.
I can stop wasting 10 hours a day on something I dislike.
I have more time to focus on school.
I have more time to focus on things I like to do.
I now have no excuse for my shitty commitment to blogging.
I now realize that what I’ve feared for so long is actually a blessing.

Other than spending time with my wonderful boyfriend, today consisted of two things: junk food and television. When asked what I’d done with my day at one o’clock in the afternoon, I promptly responded with, “Well I showered earlier”. I think I’m doing pretty damn well, right? Some people would consider this the mourning stage after such a traumatic and depressing event, but I’m actually just being lazy. I embrace this inner junk food goddess that has emerged…Superman slippers, messy house, racecar pj’s, Ramen Noodles, and all…I’m a complete package, you guys!

Friday, August 6, 2010

Twenty before 20.

I honestly cannot believe that I’m turning twenty this year. It either seems like I should be turning seven or turning seventy-seven…I don’t feel twenty at all. Regardless, it’s going to happen in approximately twenty weeks and I have twenty very important things that I’d like to accomplish before I start this new decade in my life.

1. Paint my apartment.
2. Create something beautiful with the many, many paper cranes I’ve accumulated.
3. Pay off Queen Loretta Long Boobs (my car).
4. Lose twenty pounds.
5. Read twenty novels (see the progress post).
6. Complete my 60 Day Yoga Challenge.
7. Save $1,000 (about $200/month).
8. Complete my college courses with A’s.
9. Prepare twenty recipes I’ve never tried before (#1-Cheesy Zucchini Pizza).
10. Broaden my career horizons and quit fearing the loss of my job. (I got laid off).
11. Fire hoop for the very first time!
12. Ban processed foods for twenty days straight.
13. Camp on my hammock for a weekend.
14. Veg. out for an entire day (Pj’s, snuggly bed, TV, ice cream, etc.)
15. Visit a town I’ve never been to before.
16. Learn how to change the oil & spark plugs in my own car.
17. Cook the following: pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, and blueberry muffins (basically just 3 things that I’m craving at this very moment).
18. Learn to drive a vehicle with a manual transmission.
19. Go on a twenty-mile (or more) bike ride.
20. Take a really, really big risk (I don’t know what it’ll be, but hopefully I’ll know when I get to it).

I definitely have my work cut out for me, but by the time I get through this list, I’ll not only be older and wiser, but I’ll have gotten quite a few wonderful experiences under my belt. I’ll check items off as I accomplish them and add the details in (date, location, outcome, etc.), so check back every now and then to accompany me through my last few months as a 19-year old (:

Thursday, August 5, 2010


It's Thursday, which means the following: tomorrow is Friday, it is one day closer to the weekend, and I have things to bitch about on the internet. Let's just jump on into this thing, mmkay?

1. 'Check Engine' Lights- Listen here, you pretentious bastards, why can't you just tell me what the hell is wrong? Can't there just be a 'Your Spark Plugs Shit the Bed' light? Instead, you put on your vague, unhelpful, useless blink-blink just to make me nervous and start envisioning fiery explosions. Now I have to drive to AutoZone, talk to an awkward associate, and pay them to hook my car up to a computer just so I can hear the news that my 3 year-old spark plugs need to be changed. This is why I hate the automobile industry (along with the depreciation factor and the lack of U-turn signals on cars).

2. Washer-to-Dryer Transition- I always forget about you. It's not that you're not important because in actuality, you really, really are. It makes me so sad when I forget to switch my clothes from the washer to the dryer in a timely fashion. By the time I remember, usually two days later, the contents smell like stale air, mildew, and crunchy laundry detergent. At this point, you have no choice but to rewash and restart this unfortunate process. Sorry clothing, I'll see you in two days when I remember that I forgot about you again. Little do you know, I won't actually dry you for about 2 weeks because I'll just keep forgetting you until I have to remember because I have no panties left.

3. Your opinion- I don't want it.

All done (: Out with the bitching, in with the FRIDAY! You guys have a wonderful weekend. I have an exciting post tomorrow...I'm really looking forward to sharing it. PS: I apologize for the lack of illistrations- it is almost 10 o'clock and I'm a mega-granny and it is far beyond my bedtime.

Monday, August 2, 2010

I'm a Criminal.

Remember the “Compliment Sandwich” scene from Family Guy? If not, here’s a refresher: “Now, I'm going to do something I like to call the 'Compliment Sandwich" Where I say something good, talk about where you need improvement, and then end with something good. Okay...something good... something look like SNOOPY and it makes me smile...but you have smelly dog farts.”

I’m going to fly solo this round because I live with my cats and the people in my apartment complex only have bad things to say about me (i.e. “you’re a weird cat lady”, “you hula hoop too loudly”, “you are the one that caused the pita fire”, “you ran over my vehicle”, etc.) . Ready, set, go!

Good: I make wonderful lasagna.
Bad: I have a difficult time staying up past 9:30 pm.
Good (potentially creepy): I smile at strangers.
Bad: My house is kind of messy.
Good: My cats have great names.
Bad: I have the attention span of a goldfish.
Good: I like goldfish a lot…I have 4 at home right now.
Bad: I am a serial goldfish murderer.
Pathetic: I had to come up with a quadruple-decker, compliment sandwich before I could openly admit that I am a cold-blooded criminal. I have a serious problem- I should be in jail right now.

Everyone loves goldfish, you know? People come over and they instantly want to be my friend because they think that I have goldfish. But I’m sick of telling them why I have an empty fish tank (actually, they’re probably more concerned that there’s an empty fishtank where my television should be- “what the hell are we going to do at Shelby’s house?”).

Here’s a tale, ya’ll! For about five years, my sister and I begged my parents for goldfish. We had cats for a while until my mother gave them away one day without telling us, so we needed something to fill the void in our lives. One weekend, my parents went out of town (probably to Comic Con or a Furries convention…or Cripple Creek), so my sister and I bought eight goldfish. Dwight, Senior Gluteus Maximus, Lady Macbeth, and Karen lived in my room and Betty Crocker, Billy Cosby, Theodore Roosevelt, and Ed were stowed away with Alyssa. All four of my fish were dead before my parents got back from their trip two days later. Betty Crocker and Bill Cosby both lived to be over a year old…Ms. Crocker is still kickin’ it as far as I know.

I bought four more fish when I moved out of my parents’ house- dead, dead, dead, and dead. I bought four more shortly after their unfortunate death- dead, dead, dead, and dead. This routine has occurred six times- I have killed 24 goldfish in the past year. That is 24 times that I have come home, greeted the tank with a “here fishy, fishy”, spied the rigor mortis floating atop the water, scooped the fishy body out, and flushed it down to brown town. Do you know what that does to a person? Do you know how hard it is to come up with names for 24 goldfish?! This week’s goldfish didn’t even have names. RIP, Goldfish #20-#24.

If you or anyone you know needs a fishtank, give me a call :)

Still hungry? Have another sandwich!

Good: I recognize there is an issue and I’ll never, ever buy goldfish again.
Bad: I've killed 13 houseplants this year.
Good: I drew you pictures of houseplants!