Thursday, July 15, 2010

T3: Engage!

Thursdays: the day after Wednesday, the day before Friday, my 4th favorite day of the week, and the day that I get to bitch about everything that’s been bothering me all week. I actually did not do a Three Thing Thursday last week (we’re going to call this T3 from now on and sound really awesome, mmkay?) because of the following reasons: I forgot, I was actually doing my job that day, I didn’t have anything to bitch about, and I already met my quota of one blog last week...okay, so I suck, what are we going to do about that?

Here, Thursday, stick this shit in your juice box:

1. Chewing- Yep, you all knew that it was coming; in fact, I’m quite surprised that it hasn’t been posted on a Thursday before this one. I hate chewing...scratch that, I hate any sound that comes from a mouth, actually…usually including speech. I absolutely refuse to take responsibility for this pet peeve and severe form of anxiety that I suffer from: I solely blame this on my mother. Growing up, there was such a stress and concern placed on “smacking” or “chomping” as it was commonly referred to in my family. As a child, I was actually afraid to eat around my mother because I knew that I’d probably get scolded for allowing my Cool Ranch Doritos to crunch beneath my molars…this is something that has extended into mine and my sister’s adulthood and has imbedded its stupid, little self into our brains. The sound of chewing doesn’t irritate me…it’s an emotion that I find really hard to explain to people that have never experienced it for themselves. It makes me annoyed at first, but quickly turns into anxious, angry rage and discomfort. I almost always have to walk away from the culprit of this issue…I have to take a few deep breaths, remind myself that people chew in order to digest food, and that no matter how much effort I put forth trying to abolish chewing, it’ll probably never happen. But shit, people, can we keep our mouths closed?

2. Care Credit- I hate them. This is the company that I have my veterinary credit card through (for the aforementioned Pheobe/flower relationship that cost me over half of my college tuition, $35 a month, and my sanity). They call me every month complaining that I have not paid my minimum payment for the month. That’s a completely legitimate reason to bother someone, yes? Yes. UNLESS YOU AREN’T SENDING STATEMENTS TO ME AND I CANNOT PAY MY BILL WITHOUT THEM. The people that call me are: a) always assholes, b) always speaking poor English, c) always calling me while I’m at work, sleeping, at the gym, or extremely busy. I hate them.

3. Facebook- I’ve actually never been a big fan of Facebook, to be quite honest. If it weren’t for faraway friends and my lingering boredom while I’m at work, I wouldn’t have one. I went a few months recently without one and it was wonderful. I think that it can be a useful tool for connecting with friends and sharing information, but I don’t want to hear about what everyone on my friends list ate for lunch. I don’t think it’s necessary to update your status everytime you take a shit or put your child into timeout.

Alright, folks…there you have it. T3 done for this week and my mind is cleared. By the way, I know that it's really hard to fight your urge to propose marriage to me after seeing my dank skills with today's drawing, but you better just fight it because I'm taken. I hope everyone has some kickass plans for the weekend :)

Pheobe's Ass

Q: Who wants to hear about how my ex-boyfriend is responsible for my cat slicing her buttcheek off and leading to my absence in college this semester?

A: Everyone wants to hear about that.

Preface story #1: Back in January, I had saved up quite a bit of money to put towards my tuition for my 2nd semester of online schooling for my English degree…it was actually a pretty hefty accomplishment because I am NOT very good at saving money. I can only take one or two classes per semester because they’re so expensive and because I work full time, so it wasn’t a TON of money, but it was enough…about half of what my tuition was going to be, actually.

Preface story #2: I’m not a big flower person…they’re a waste of money, they die, I forget to put them in vases, I forget they exist and leave them on top of my fridge until they start getting really gross and stinky and then I remember why I just really don’t like flowers that much. It’s a wonderful gesture, but I’d really rather my man-cakes take me for coffee or buy me a book…or do pretty much anything other than give me flowers to show that he cares.

Preface story #3: I was dating my ex-boyfriend, Tit, at the time this story took place. His name is not actually Tit, but it has slowly taken over as his name and I’m almost positive that his own mother may adapt to calling him this someday. This event is his fault and I will go to my grave blaming him for its entirety. Way to go, Tit.

Preface story #4: I have two cats- Pheobe Bon Qui Qui and Penelope Garcia (named after the computer analyst on Criminal Minds).

Actual story
: In January, Tit brought me flowers. In all honesty, I don’t really know why: there is a 99% chance that I didn’t do anything to prompt that. He probably wanted something out of the deal. He probably did not get what he wanted out of said deal. Atop my refrigerator the lovely bouquet went in order to avoid any Pheobe/flower relations that would inevitably occur. Little did I know, atop my refrigerator Pheobe also went. She knocked the vase down and landed on a huge shard of broken glass, slicing through 3 major muscles in her little kitty-ass.

Using my extensive veterinary experience and keen women’s intuition, I stripped into my bra and underwear and took the patient into the bathtub to assess the damage without getting her AIDS infested blood all over my apartment. You know what happens when you put a cat into a bathtub? Apparently I didn’t know this either, but I do not recommend this. We then decided that an animal hospital would be the best option, so I swaddled my cat into a feline/towel burrito and made my way to the car. After spending 6 hours in the animal ER, smoking an entire pack of cigarettes while waiting, drinking 4 cups of coffee, and passing the 2 o’clock mark on my watch, the kitten I received for free just two months prior made her way from the operating room. All is well until I am told that I owed the veterinary clinic over $900. I had two options: pay the bill or give my cat to the Humane Society. I wish I were a smarter, less compassionate human being, but due to THIS post about Pheobe peeing in the dryer, we all know that I paid the bill. Kind of.

I only had half of the amount due, so the rest was put onto a line of credit through Care Credit (they don’t fucking care at all, don’t believe their gimmicks) and I am still paying for this misfortune today. I was not able to attend college this semester because I gave up my tuition for a feline that pisses on my work pants; I’m one of those people.

I made Tit buy me some food after we were done dealing with the crisis, but not even Waffle House could mend the pain that my wallet was feeling. Pheobe had stitches in her ass cheek for two weeks and healed up just fine (if it hadn’t been for the cone, none of this would have been worth it).

Friday, July 9, 2010

I'm a nerd

Hey guys, I'm a nerd! 

A few people have asked me for a list of book recommendations. What better way to share something like that than to post it on my blog and share with everyone that stumbles across it. It's really, really hard for me to pick a favorite, so I'm not going to even try. 

Shelby's Top 10:
There's a Slight Chance I Might Be Going to Hell
Water for Elephants 
The Lovely Bones
Buffalo Lockjaw
Practical Magic
Brave New World
The Book of Awesome
Crooked Hearts 
Going in Circles
Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

These are in no particular order...I tried to do that, but it really didn't go very well. I ended up trying to make a pros and cons list for all ten books and I think I blew a fuse in my brain. I wonder if I can get workman's' comp for that...

Friday, July 2, 2010

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Yay Mayor Bee!

Happy Thursday. Oh yes...that means tomorrow is Friday, which means that my three day weekend is almost here. What's irritating me today?

1. Walmart- I hate Walmart...I think everyone in my life already knows this. I try to avoid it at all costs, but quite frankly, there are just things that I don't really feel like paying extra for at Whole Foods or King Soopers. These examples are toilet paper, ziploc bags, and cat food. That's right, apparently I'd rather face the people of Walmart to save $2 on cat litter. I went today to purchase my boss' retirement present (sad day, boss man)...I literally almost killed 6 people while I was in there for 20 minutes. I just hate the general public of Walmart...they're rude, smelly, inconsiderate, selfish...and Walmarty.

2. Bad moods- man, these are the worst. Every now and then, I get so cranky and grouchy for no apparent reason and I act like a total poop hill to everyone around me. I'm almost positive that I had a mild mental breakdown at a stop light because I was thinking about my cat peeing in my dryer this morning before I left for work. It frustrates me even now to think about it. What a little bitch that cat is for pissing in my dryer. Maybe #3 should just be about how much I hate my cat today...

3. Pheobe- what a flippin' jerk she is right now. I took that little fluff-ball home when she was only 10 weeks old. I snuggled with, let her play with my necklace while she was learning how cool shiny things are, and I taught her how to jump onto the bathroom sink so that she could watch me brush my teeth. I payed $800 to save her life and get her buttcheek sewn together when she fell off of the refrigerator, Tit and I stayed up with her all night for 4 nights while she was healing from her surgery, and I fed her out of the palm of my hand when she couldn't reach the food bowl because of her giant kitty-cone. And this is how she repays me?? By pissing in my dryer?? What a little crapster she is. Sure, there was the one time I accidentally abandoned her outside for 2 hours while I walked to Natural Grocer's to get discount lettuce, but we reconciled our friendship...we're moving past this! Maybe we just need to have a good ol' talk when I get home. No matter what, I love my Pheobe...she's my girl <3

Happy almost Friday, guys. I hope everyone has sweet plans for the weekend.