Multivitamin, you are no friend of mine.

I am becoming increasingly self-aware lately; my health and nutrition have been at the top of my priority list and I spend quite a bit of time reading health blogs and expanding my knowledge on this topic. A few months ago, I read an article about why people should take multivitamins, and naturally I decided that I should start taking multivitamins. I did some extensive research on what brand to buy, what vitamins to focus on, etc. So, wanting to find the best quality of supplement, I went to Walmart and picked out the One A Day Women’s Metabolism.

According to the packaging, the consumer should always take the pill with a full meal, so on day one, I took my multivitamin with breakfast and all was well. About an hour later, I vomited like a dinosaur.

For those of you who are questioning my terminology, “vomiting like a dinosaur” entails exactly what it sounds like. Picture a giant, majestic creature roaming around the flatlands of Dinosaur Land…he is tromping along, eating entire trees in one bite when suddenly, he feels like shit and he violently vomits his stomach content everywhere.

I had this horrible stomach issue for the next few days; actually missing work one day. Initially, I decided that I was pregnant and I needed to find a car to run me over immediately. After finding out that I was, in fact, sans fetus, I decided that I was ill-stricken. A few days into my perfect multivitamin regimen, I was running really late one morning and forgot to take my vitamin...I had a fantastic, vomit-free day. I then concluded that multivitamins make me vomit.

Saturday night, I was enjoying my weekly grocery experience at Whole Foods, when I noticed that they had free samples in the frozen vegetable aisle. I haven't been that excited since I accidentally ended up at Free Pastry Day at Starbucks. There was a basket with packets of hair conditioner, organic Bengay, and Zyflamend: an anti-inflammatory pill. Since I began training for my 5k, I've been experiencing issues with the tendinitis in my left knee, so I automatically thought "Oh, this could help my knee...and who the fuck says no to otherwise expensive, free samples?!" I shoved 4 packets of conditioner, 2 things of Bengay, and a package of Zyflamend into my pocket and went on my merry way to find cashews.

Because I do not do 5k training on weekends, I wanted to wait until the best possible day to try out my free (and much cheaper than physical therapy) remedy for my knee issues. I waited all weekend for Monday to arrive so that I could finally get relief for my busted joint (an issue I find inappropriate for a 19-year old).

I jumped out of bed this morning and reminded Phoebe and Penelope, my cats, that today was the day! I was going to eat half of my breakfast, take the pill with 8 oz. of water, and eat the rest of my breakfast…they didn’t care. So, sitting at my desk at work, I followed the directions exactly…

Problems identified:

1) The pill was black. That scared me. (I mean that in the least racist way possible; I am, in no way, insinuating that black things scare me; that is false. I am simply stating that most black foods are not delicious: i.e. black licorice, burnt toast, etc.)
2) The pill tasted like I imagine feet would taste like…if these feet were horribly charred and covered in barbeque sauce (my hypothesis was obviously correct; this pill was not delicious). I drank more water and ate my oatmeal: problem solved.

30 minutes later:

“Oh…oh ew. Oh shit.”

Anti-inflammatory pill=multivitamin?

I was in the bathroom, puking my guts out and trying my best to keep my dinosaur noises at a minimal volume, when a fellow employee yelled over the stall and asked me if I was A) pregnant and B)alright. I was not alright. With a string of saliva/vomit hybrid hanging from my mouth, I responded, "Fellow employee, being pregnant involves getting laid...and I clearly got so excited over free anti-inflammatory medication because I am getting so much ass."

I feel better now that I threw up this fetus though…being a pregnant stegosaurus is not all it’s cracked up to be.